Monthly Archives: January 2017

The Shopping List

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The Shopping List

Let me preface this by telling you I love this story! It speaks to my prayer relationship with God, the trust He has in me to pray for others and how desperately He desires to carry our burdens for us. To understand the perfection of God’s plan in this story, you have to believe in the power of prayer.

My daughter works at a discount retail store. Often, she is there at night when they are sweeping up and if she sees an abandoned shopping list on the floor, she’ll pick it up and bring it home to share with me. If we had to file these lists into a category, it would be titled, “People Are Funny.” The lists are often silly, confusing, witty and sometimes downright hilarious. There are also poignant moments. For instance, one list read, “interview outfit, something to settle stomach.” Another time the paper contained a list of children’s party supplies and at the bottom of the long list, “Advil.” Priceless! Scraps of unidentifiable paper, notebook pages, post-it notes, paper from “list” pads, the inside of a piece of cereal box; we’ve seen it all—well, I thought we’d seen it all.

On this particular night, the list she brought home was written on a regular 8.5"x11" piece of paper that was folded into quarters. My daughter had been working when she found it and so she had slipped it into her pocket unread. We unfold it together. On the back of the paper (in what I believe was female handwriting), was a pretty mundane grocery list: milk, bread... those kinds of things. Then I realized that at least half of the page was also covered with more personal content including the words, "Let go, let God." When I flipped it over, the front of the paper was a page from an Alcoholics Anonymous workbook. There was no name or identifying information on the page. The person had been working on, “Step Three: Deciding to Turn Our Will and Our Lives Over to the Care of God.”

There were printed questions and in the spaces below the questions (and on every blank space where writing would fit) there were lists of things this woman thought she needed to change in order to succeed in her sobriety and in her new walk with God. The words “make myself a better person” jumped out at me.

She described the new perspective she needed to cultivate, the areas in which she needed to take more control of her actions, and the steps she was going to take to change her negative thinking. There was also a list of medical bills she needed to pay related to becoming sober and the need to find a job. However, there was no indication that she understood anything about turning her will and life over to the care of God. Instead, her lists indicated she was going to try her hardest to gain even greater control over her life, the complete opposite of “Let go, let God.” The only other reference to spirituality were the two final lines on the page:

“Remember to pray. Continue to pray.
I need God's help.”

It was only after I looked at her responses that the first printed question on the workbook page caught my attention, “Am I willing to turn the things I cannot control over to the care of my Higher Power?” This was accompanied by a small admonition saying that in order to achieve successful sobriety you needed to turn the control of your life over to God. Yet, there was no indication that this person had any belief other than that she needed to try harder and grasp tighter to the things she thought she could control.

I turned the page to the back again. In the spotty ink of a pen that is failing she had written, “My Prayer: God, please give me the strength to face these challenges, the power to overcome my weakness and the courage to change myself and my circumstances.” From my perspective, this was not the prayer of someone who had learned to put their trust in God, to lay their burdens at His feet. What she was asking for was to be turned into a superhero (faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound), when what she really needed to do was to humble herself by admitting she was helpless over her addiction and to confess that only God has the power to implement these kinds of changes in her life. He is everything we are incapable of being on our own.

Why does this story make me so happy? It is because she prayed for God's help and He provided. Psalms 55:22 reads, “Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you.” In His mercy and grace, God took her “to do” list for living a more wholesome, sober life, a huge step in her relationship with God, and delivered it to me, someone He was in the process of making a Vessel of Prayer for others and, therefore, could be assured her troubles would be delivered to Him in faith. He literally had her "let go" (of her list) and "let God" (answer her prayer by putting her list in my hands). Every day I pray for the shopping list woman. With her trials spelled out for me on that piece of paper, one-by-one I hand them over to God in prayer, fully trusting that He alone is the answer to her sobriety and her salvation. God is good.

Conversation with Jacob – My Growing Prayers Book

Me:
I got a new person to pray for today in kind of a strange way.
Jacob:
Oh, how so?
Me:
My daughter has a thing she does. She will pick up people’s dropped shopping lists before they're swept up and thrown away and she brings them home and we read them together. Some of them are so funny! So, today, she brings home a list and opens it and it is a page from an AA workbook. It is "Step Three: Deciding to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God.” The person had made notes all over paper detailing the changes she was going to try and make in her life to improve her situation.
Jacob:
Ways she can change her situation?
Me:
Yeah, her list is all about things she can control, not giving over power at all. Then in the ultimate lack of control she loses her list! I’m going to be praying for her needs to be met by God, for the things she felt she needed to control to be put in His hands.
Jacob:
Wow, that is so, so cool! He definitely got the list to the right person!
Me:
I added almost a dozen people to my prayers book yesterday. I’m praying for over 60 people now.
Jacob:
Something tells me this is going to happen a lot. A dozen?? All from shopping lists? haha
Me:
haha No! Not all from shopping lists! But really, what are the odds that someone writes their list of struggles that should be brought before God. but doesn’t understand how to release those things to His care, and then the list lands in the hands of someone who prays all the time and sees God’s hand in her life and is willing to pray for her?
Jacob:
You're praying directly from this person's list?
Me:
Yeah, but a lot of prayers for people come to me without a request or a list. I don’t know what to pray for them and I start praying and then I just know what to pray for them through the Holy Spirit. Sometimes I’m inspired and sometimes the Holy Spirit just takes over my prayers. I’d like it if in heaven I’d get to find out what happened to all these people I pray for. I grow such a love in my heart for them and a compassion for their struggles when I pray for them. I'm so alone. :'( Wouldn't it be beautiful if all the people I pray for became part of my community in heaven and I'd never have to be alone again...
Jacob:
*hug* It would be! I love how much you pray.* I love seeing your continued growth.

*At the time of this post, I knew I was being drawn to pray for a lot of people and often, but I didn't realize it was my calling. That awareness came to me more slowly than my growth in prayer. It has been over two years and I have not been inspired to remove the shopping list woman from my prayers book.

Whisper of Compassion

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Whispers of Compassion

I begin to pray. I start by thanking God for the day, not out of routine, but because I see the perfection in being able to start over, to wipe the slate clean and try again with every new dawn. I pray through my thanks and praise to Him. I'm only a couple months into my relationship with God and I can tell I'm not very good at praying. My prayers are stilted, there are long pauses where I try to get a feeling for what I should be praying for, and most of the time I can't find the right words so there is just an uncomfortable silence.

After a while, I am drawn to pray for a young woman who goes to my daughter's university. I know very little, only that she has a serious illness and is in the hospital fighting for her life. I start to pray for her recovery when I hear a soft voice say, "Hush. Pray now to console her family.” I immediately change the focus of my prayer. Reaching deep into the sadness and loss I have felt in my own life, I pour out compassion for them. I pray that God will be with them to comfort and console them in their time of grief. They are my words heartfelt, for this grieving family. Because I have experienced the depth of their loss, the intensity of their pain, I am able to pray deeply for them. This is where my painful experiences become blessings for others and eventually joy, when I understand that my pain is being used in the service of others. It would still take a while before I would get to experience that though.

About an hour after I prayed, my daughter called me to tell me the sad news that the young woman had passed away. She asked a simple enough questions, "Had you heard?" The answer that came to me was not as direct. Within me the answer was both yes and no. The prompting of the different direction to my prayer let me know where my prayers were needed, no longer for the young woman’s recovery but for her grieving family. I had no other indication that she had passed away, but I knew.

Of course, I felt great sadness for the young woman and her family, but beyond those feelings I, felt another kind of sadness. It felt so perfect to be led by God in that way. I wished I could live my life over again, hearing His perfect guidance and for everyone to feel the blessing of being guided by His hand in such a gentle and loving way. How simple it was to follow His lead and know what I was meant to do in that prayerful moment.

I also thought of my son and how feverishly I had prayed as we drove to the hospital on the night he passed away. They had told us he had taken a turn for the worse, but in actuality he was already gone. I wonder now if I hadn't been so focused on my own fear and pain, if I would have been able to hear that soft, hushed voice that would have led me to pray a different prayer. Now that I have heard that voice softly introduce the truth of this world into my awareness, I’m deeply saddened that I lived my life without it, or that any of us do. When I tell Jacob, his response below is what encourages me now to share my testimony here. Probably the quietest moment I have ever had with God is part of the inspiration for potentially the farthest my words will ever carry.

Conversation with Jacob - Being Led in Prayer

Me:
So last night I'm praying, and I start praying for a young woman at my daughter's school who was in the hospital fighting for her life. I start to pray for her recovery and a quiet voice says, "Hush. Pray now to console her family" and so I do. About an hour later my daughter texts me and says, "Did you hear that the poor girl who was so sick passed away?" I didn't know how to answer her. I knew because of what I was led to pray, but how could I explain that to her? Of course, I feel terrible for the young woman and her family, but I feel sad for another reason too. It seemed so perfect to be led by the Spirit in that way. I wish I could live my life over with that guidance and for everyone to be guided so perfectly. It makes me really sad that we go through our lives without it.
Jacob:
Wow that is powerful! But don't be sad, be encourage to share that with others.

Daily Bread

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Daily Bread

In previous blogs, I’ve mentioned that when I started my relationship with God, I had some strange, self-fabricated ideas about prayer. For instance, I would say things like, “If there is such a thing as prayer, I think we get a limited supply, so don’t ever ask me to pray for your dog.” I admit, my attitude was flippant and disrespectful. In hindsight, I’m sure this served several purposes. First, it deflected any honest discussion about religion or prayer. Deeper than that, however, it allowed me to push aside any feelings I had about God, His existence, or the fact that if He did exist, it was more than a little evident that He didn’t care about me.

All of this fit very neatly into my belief system, that was, until God began to pursue me. Suddenly, I was faced with confronting my ideas about prayer. I brought this up to Jacob in the context of a situation that was taking place with my roommate. I was completely bedridden at the time. My daughter would pack food into a cooler for me before she left for work in the morning. We had a pretty casual food sharing arrangement with our roommate. Sometimes she would eat our food and stick her head into our room and say, “Oh, if you’re looking for your frozen lasagna meal? I ate it.” Other times, food would just go missing. We behaved in kind. It was not unusual for me to find one of her Hot Pockets or other snacks she had purchased in my cooler.

Our budget was really tight. For the two of us, we budgeted $50 a week for groceries, which included paper goods and personal items. When my daughter would, for whatever reason, have shorter hours at work some weeks, we would have to cut back even further. There were times I would open my cooler to find only stale, cold rice for the day. During those times I was happy to have warm rice with a spoonful of peanut butter stirred into it, if my daughter happened to be home at mealtime. So I had to fight to accept His direction when God sternly instructed me each time my daughter would bring me a food item that belonged to our roommate, “Do not take anything that is not yours.”

My excuses for not doing what He commanded were plentiful:

► My daughter was actually the one taking it, I mean, it wasn’t my decision to “steal” it, so why did it matter if I ate it?
► Our roommate did the same with us, so it was really a non-verbal agreement we had with her, so how could it be wrong for us to take her food?
► I was hungry, I’m sure she wouldn’t want me to be in my room starving when there was food in the refrigerator. If the situation was reversed, I’d want her to take our food.
► I didn’t mind (all that much) when she took our food when we had some, and she probably felt the same.

Yet, I could feel God’s displeasure with me every time I accepted and ate our roommate’s food, so I started telling my daughter that I didn’t like the food our roommate had purchased, and instructed her not to bring it to me. When she continued to bring it to me (because there really wasn’t any of our food left in the apartment), I finally told her that this was a message from God. I was not to take anything that wasn’t mine, and that included our roommate’s food. She wasn’t happy about it, but she adhered to my request and stopped bringing me our roommate’s food. I told this story to Jacob and he asked if I had prayed for God to provide food for us. I explained to him that I didn’t know how to pray for things for myself. His response was, “Have you heard of the Lord’s Prayer?”

I replied that I had. Then, as was common with our text conversations, there was a pause before his next message. I sat there looking at his message, thinking. I knew the Lord’s Prayer, although I hadn’t prayed it a long time. So, I began to pray wondering if I even remembered the words. “Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name,” I prayed it with the strong reverence that I had developed for our Almighty God. “Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven,” again I prayed the words earnestly, allowing myself to express the depth of my desire to be part of God’s kingdom. Deep in prayer, I continued, “Give us this day our daily bread…” as I finished saying those words, as clearly as I have ever heard God’s voice, He said, “It has been done.”

I immediately felt joyful and so thankful! Without knowing how my need for food would be met, I knew God had answered my prayer! He was going to provide! Excitedly, I rushed to text Jacob and tell him about what had happened, to tell him that my prayer had been both asked and answered through God's grace. Then, suddenly as I tapped "send," I felt God shinning His love and approval down on me. I have never felt so loved or so much joy! It was beyond anything I thought was possible. It flooded me, covered me, filled me. I had expressed my faith that He had answered my prayer even before I had any outward sign that this was true. and He was pleased. I just knew it was because I had demonstrated a sincere expression of my unquestioning faith in Him.

I looked up at the text message above mine, the one Jacob had sent while I was having this moment with God. It read, ‘You don’t have to pray it, my point is to use it as a template for how you should pray.” I laughed to myself knowing that God had found a way for me to pray for my needs despite the fact that I felt I couldn’t, and then He answered that prayer. What an amazing and perfect God!

A couple hours later, my daughter came home from work with 3 big trays of Panda Express. Her employer had provided lunch for the staff, and these 3 trays of food were left at the end of the day. They offered them to anyone who wanted to take them. My daughter was the only one who showed interest, so the food was given to her. Moreover, there were 2 trays of chicken based meals and the third tray was a completely vegetarian dish, and my daughter doesn't eat meat. God provided for both of us!

The next day a friend had gone out for pizza and afterward decided she wasn’t going right home, so she dropped off a large pizza with only one slice missing to our apartment. She didn’t want the pizza to be wasted by going bad in her hot car. Day-after-day for weeks things like this kept happening. We somehow got another round of Panda Express. My other daughter lived in town and her refrigerator stopped working. Could she give us all her frozen food? “Of course you can!” There was so much food, the freezer was full and we had to start cooking things so we could store some of it in the refrigerator. Every day when I opened my cooler, it was filled to the top with a bounty of food inside!

Of course, this was a wonderful example of God showing me love and understanding. He knew where I was in my immaturity with prayer, so He gave me the prayer to pray and then answered that prayer with an abundance of food. That part of the experience alone is enough to astound me. However, so much more amazing was the feeling of God’s love and approval filling me, covering me, all-encompassing. It’s hard to find the words to describe how it felt, "glorious" is the closest I can come. I never think much about heaven. Maybe I’m just not there yet in my religious development, but in that moment, from the bottom of my heart, throughout my whole soul, every bit of me ached for the day I will feel the unimaginable joy of being in His presence for all eternity.

Conversation with Jacob – Praying the Lord's Prayer

Me:
I think I still have some praying misconceptions and inadequacies I need to work on. :/
Jacob:
Well you aren't ever inadequate for prayer, but maybe we can clear up those misconceptions.
Me:
I'm still working off some of my made-up prayer rules. That can't be good. L I have glitches like how can I pray prayers for myself if I’m praying for something other people are lacking too? Why should it be okay that I put my needs above theirs?
Jacob:
Why can't you pray for both? Have you heard of the Lord's prayer? It probably is the most famous Christian prayer, many non-believers even know it.
Me:
I did know it. I have not said it in a very long time though. I'm not sure I ever prayed it.

[pause in texts]

Jacob:
You don’t have to pray it, my point is to use it as a template for how you should pray. Jesus said that prayer after someone asked him how to pray. Even if you don't say it word for word, there are good pointers.
Me:
Something just happened!!!!!! I couldn’t make myself pray for food for us when I know there are people suffering so much more than we struggle. There are people who don’t even have rice, you know? Then you sent the Lord's Pray text and I prayed it in earnest. When I got to the "give us this day our daily bread" part, I got this big message from God, "It has been done!" Jacob, He gave me the words to pray and then answered my prayer!

“I Brought You to Now”

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“I Brought You to Now”

Excerpt: Spoken firmly, with assurance and compassion, God said, “I brought you to now.” In that moment, those few words flipped my perception of my past upside down...


It was late September, 2014. I'd known Jacob for less than a month, and here I was already asking him for extra support in the days ahead. We were approaching the anniversary of my infant son's death, always a difficult time for me. I'd been through so many difficult experiences in my life. Earlier the same year that my son passed away, my mother had died of leukemia, I had given birth to premature twins, each weighing barely a pound, and four months after that I was holding my lifeless son in my arms.

On the day of this message from God, I was texting with Jacob, describing to him what had happened on the night of my son's death. My eldest daughter, my son's twin, had grown more quickly and had been home from the hospital for a few weeks while my son remained hospitalized. That night, she woke and continued crying even after her physical needs for a diaper change and warm bottle were satisfied.

I walked her as I thought about my son. At four months old he was not improving. They had moved him from the incubator to a full-size crib hoping that being exposed to more than the inside of a plastic incubator would help, but nothing changed. He was frequently agitated, and the nurses had to restrain his arms to keep him from pulling the IV tubes from his body. As his mom, I loved him so much and wanted him to get better and come home, but as I slid down the wall and sat on the floor with my daughter, I prayed that if God was going to take him, that He take him soon. If he wasn't going to live, I didn't want him to suffer any longer. I was still sitting on the floor, my cheeks wet with tears, when the phone rang. It was the hospital calling to say our son had taken a turn for the worse.

My husband and I got ready to leave. dropped our daughter off with my sister, and drove to the hospital. My prayer was forgotten in the midst of the anxiety I was experiencing, fearing what we were about to face. As we sped to the hospital I prayed and prayed that my son would be okay.

When we arrived at the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, a doctor met us in the hall and showed us to a small room where she gave us the devastating news that our son had passed away. It was hospital policy not to give news like that over the phone, but to ask parents to come to the hospital. The truth was that he had died before they had called us. A nurse brought him to us, his tiny body wrapped in a hospital blanket. My husband and I both held him, told him we loved him and said our heartbreaking final goodbyes. Feeling that my desperate prayers for my son's life had been pointless, I questioned the existence of God. I had prayed so hard and in my pain believed that if God existed, there would have been a different outcome. I angrily disavowed any belief I had in God.

I told Jacob this story, wracked with sobs as I thought about this painful time in my life. Then I began thinking about all the sadness and pain I'd experienced, starting with my early life placed in foster care for several years while my birthmother made up her mind to put me up for adoption. I thought about difficulties I faced as a child, my mom's death, my son's death, the end of my marriage, my struggles as a single parent, and in the midst of trying to make a better life, I sustained the injury that put an end to so many of my goals and dreams. I sat on my bed sobbing when I heard God's voice.

Spoken firmly, with assurance and compassion, God said, “I brought you to now.” In that moment, those few words flipped my perception of my past upside down. With those few words, I realized that my life had not been a series of tragedies and misfortunes randomly dealt by fate. Nothing I had been through had been in vain — God had His hand on my life with every step. With those few words from God, my life suddenly made sense.

Before that moment, unable to see God leading me through these tragedies, my past seemed like a sad tale of repeated abandonment, pain, and defeat, but everything changed with those words. With the sudden awareness that God had been directing my life, bringing me to this moment, to now, the experiences from my life transformed. They became lessons in faith and compassion for others.

If I told you I haven’t had any bad days since then, it would be a lie. I have days when I slip back into feeling sadness and depression over my past and I feel great emotional pain being so isolated. However, that only lasts as long as it takes me to remember that God has brought me to now for His purpose. When I remember that everything I have been through and everything I am going through is for His glory, I feel my strength and endurance restored.

I'd like you to think about this… whatever your life has been like, He has brought you to now. He has brought you through those experiences for a reason. He has faithfully brought us to this now, with the continued promise to bring us to the next now and the next after that for as long as we live and beyond. Please try to understand this message and the peace it can bring you. God has always had a plan for you and for me. He has always walked beside you on your journey just as He has walked with me on mine. Yes, even in your most devastating times, God has been with you. The Bible says:

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

The Lord said to Jeremiah, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart..." God didn't pick out only a few people to work for His glory. He didn't say, "Okay, let's see... I'll take her [pointing], and Jeremiah, and... I don't know, just throw in a couple others in case we run out." No! Each one of us was "fearfully and wonderfully made," created for His purpose:

"For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:10

He has created us to do good works, and He walks beside us on every step of our journey. Once you accept that He has a plan for you, you will start seeing your life differently — blessed by God for His purpose, blessed, even when we face the most difficult experiences of our lives. With the utmost love, mercy and grace for you, directing you to the path of everlasting joy in His kingdom, He has faithfully brought you to now.

Conversation with Jacob – "I Brought You to Now"

Me:
The anniversary of my son's death is hitting me harder this year, maybe because I am alone so much and I have more time to think about things.
Jacob:
How many years has it been, if I may ask?
Me:
A long time... he was a baby.
Jacob:
It doesn't matter how long it's been, it is still a very emotional experience that you never really get over.
Me:
I hope you don't think I'm crazy, but I hear God. Is that crazy?? It hasn't happened to me often, but now it’s like I suddenly know how to listen for Him.
Jacob:
I don't think you are crazy. It isn't how I hear Him, but I don't think you are crazy one bit.
Me:
The only things He has been saying to me are "Work." and "No." But, just now, God said, "I brought you to now." since we've been talking, I've been so upset, and suddenly I feel so calm knowing that everything that has happened to me has been part of God's plan. He brought me to now...
Jacob:
Wow! I wish I could hear Him like that.
Me:
I live with a lot of silence, perfect for listening I guess.
Jacob:
After all the distractions in my life, I would welcome the silence.
Me:
I feel like He is revealing his power to me, even in the smallest things. The other day I had an inspiration that I should be writing down my experiences. I thought, "I don't have anything to write in," and that afternoon someone gave me a blank journal, brand new! So now I'm writing all my God experiences down. It keeps going that way. He shows me a need, I realize I can't fulfill it myself, and then He provides what I need. He has a plan, I'm sure of it.
Jacob:
Wow! Man, He is working in your life! :)
Me:
I’m new at this, but I’m already seeing that when God puts a plan into action, there is no denying it.



My first "God journal"

The Origami Box

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The Origami Box

My son was already a certified Diesel Mechanic when he was in his teens which, for the purpose of this account, means that feeling the need to prove himself in a world of rough-talking men, he swears like... well, like a diesel mechanic. I mean no offense to diesel mechanics who don't use profanity, but if they're working in the industry they’ll most definitely know what I’m talking about.

My son had come over for a visit and was telling me about his job, triggering him to spout a string of profanities which included taking the Lord’s name in vain among the vilest of curse words. Even as he spoke them, I wished I could un-hear them. What made the situation worse was that my son said the Lord’s name with the same words with which I call on God when I pray.

Later, when he had left and I started to pray, I humbled myself before the Lord and began my prayer, but instead of being able to connect with Him, as I spoke His name that string of expletives popped into my head. I tried again and again, but each time the same thing happened. I tried calling out to Him with a different name, but like trying not to think about something and then finding that’s the only thing you can think about, the vile words just kept coming into my mind. I couldn’t connect with God. I couldn’t pray.

This was at such a fragile time in my transformation. I was feeling so much unrest between who I had been and who I was becoming being led by the Holy Spirit for the first time. I was in such a tentative place, I couldn’t begin to fathom that God loved me and was actually pursuing me. I questioned everything that was happening: Did I want to believe? Would I or could I turn my life over to God for more than a few minutes at a time? What was it that God wanted from me? I was in so much turmoil and pain, and now my connection with my newly found Heavenly Father was gone. I was heartbroken and felt growing anguish every time I tried to pray but couldn’t.

I had heard about using the name of Jesus to turn away demons, and so I spoke to Satan in the same way I speak to God, but instead of inviting him in like I do with God, I told him that he was not going to be part of my life. I had made the decision to give my life over to God. Then, with my small faith and whatever confidence I could muster as a new believer, I ordered Satan away from me. Well, I’d like to think I ordered Satan away, but it was probably more like a strong suggestion that he leave. It was the first time I had ever encountered something like this, and, although I tried, nothing changed. I still couldn't pray.

I turned to Jacob and asked him what I should do, and as always Jacob was patient and helpful. (See Jacob's text below) He suggested that I try to sneak a small prayer through. That may sound like a strange idea, but all I needed was enough time with God to plead for his help. To try this I knew I needed to block those profane words somehow and so I listened to Christian music. If this happened today, I would have many faith-strengthening and uplifting songs to choose from. At the time, the only “Christian" songs I knew were a handful of Christmas carols. Only one seemed to bring me any relief, “For unto Us a Child is Born.”

"And his name shall be called Wonderful, Counselor, The Mighty God, The Everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace...” While I listened to the song over and over again, letting the carol fill my ears and my mind, I explained my problem to God. Then, as I tried to pray, the image of an origami box came into my thoughts, a flimsy looking origami paper box and God said, “Put them in here and I will keep them.” I looked at this flimsy paper box and railed against Him, “I'm in crisis and this is all you have? A paper box?!” I’d need a reinforced steal box to lock these vile words away. I cried out in disbelief, “A paper box will not hold them!”

Once again, in my mind's eye, God’s outreached hands presented the flimsy paper box to me, “Have faith. I will hold them. I will not let them harm you.” I wanted the evil words taken from me, I wanted to forget this ever happened, and all I was being offered was a fragile paper box? I had no faith that the box could hold them, but, of course, a little paper box couldn’t hold them. It was God who held my deliverance in His hands. The box was just a way for Him to show me, new to the world and word of God, that what I needed to do was trust Him.

If you had told me that God would carry my burdens, that all I had to do was turn them over to Him, infantile in my faith, I wouldn’t have known what that meant or where to start. But, the outreached box? I knew what to do with that. I tentatively envisioned placing the string of abhorrent words into the paper box and replaced the lid. My problem was in God’s hands. I could see that represented in the beautiful paper box.

Almost immediately the vile words were gone. There is not a trace of them in my mind, even as I write this blog and I am reminded of the incident – nothing. I’m sure if I dug deep into my memory, I could reconstruct that particular string of profanities, but I feel vulnerable to the evil that kept me from my Heavenly Father. I never want to provoke it by letting those words back into my thoughts.

There are two bible verses that come to mind. First is Job 1:7, “The Lord said to Satan, 'Where have you come from?' Satan answered the Lord, 'From roaming throughout the earth, going back and forth on it.'" The second is 1 Peter 5:8, “Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” I think Satan roams the earth looking for opportunities just like this one to try and undermine our faith. What surprises me is how readily and constantly I am deceived by him. If anyone reading knows how to "be alert" in an actionable way, please share in the comments below. I still struggle with this a lot.

I’ve been with God for a little over a year and a half. Since this incident I’ve developed a much stronger faith in Him. I know without doubt that He will carry my burdens and He will do everything in His power to keep our connection unbroken. All I have to do is put my burdens into His outreached hands.

I probably have outgrown the need for the paper box, but I love it and what it represents. It is a reminder of God’s promise to sustain those who are trying to live a righteous life. I still use the image of the paper box. It is where I toss my temptations, unGodly thoughts, and worldly distractions. Then, God, through His mercy takes them from me and holds them, unwavering. “Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.” Psalm 55:22. Hallelujah for such a loving and faithful God!

Conversation with Jacob - Blocked from Prayer

Jacob:
I believe with all my heart that you have been doing great and growing closer to God. I also believe that nothing bothers Satan more than that! As you grow to be a stronger Christian, he will try harder to stop your connection and work because now you are a threat whereas before he had you in the bag and didn’t have to worry. Now God is winning you back.

When presented with that situation where you can’t pray I think you should do what you did, talk to Satan and tell him that he has lost the fight for your soul like he is going to lose the fight for your prayer. Tell him to be gone in the name of Jesus for there is power in His name that makes demons flee and the more faith you show that His name has power the more damaging it will be for evil. So tell Satan to get out of your way. Then try to pray again and if you feel you can’t, try to get a small one through. Cry out to God, say “Lord I’m struggling to connect right now, give me strength to hold on! I want to be closer."

If you need a break emotionally then stop for a while, but don’t give up trying. The devil wants you to wear out and decide that sin is easier. But sin is bondage. Don’t give up reaching out to God even when the devil tries to block your communication and prayer. And through these struggles, remember God loves you endlessly and wants more than ever to have and grow that connection with you.

The Thing That Happened

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The Thing that Happened

It was Wednesday, October 8th, 2014. It had been over a year since my injury, since I had been able to walk. I was perched awkwardly and uncomfortably at the end of my bed, about to practice standing, when I got a text from Jacob. It had been a month since Jacob and I met, and we had become what I termed “God friends.” I talked to Jacob about every part of my journey with God as it unfolded. He knew my struggles, including my self-acknowledged weakness in prayer. So when I realized he was texting me to ask me to pray for someone, I had a flicker of skepticism;You really want my hopeless, second-rate prayer?

The text from Jacob explained that there was a woman in his church whose niece, Amy, was 29 weeks pregnant and she needed immediate heart surgery. They had attempted the procedure the day before, but it hadn’t gone well. The surgery had taken twice as long as expected and now there were complications. Along with addressing her heart problem, the doctors were hoping to buy more time for the baby's gestation. Would I pray? I answered, “Absolutely!” and without hesitating to move back onto the bed or get in a more comfortable position, I immediately began to pray.

My prayer started like all my prayers had begun in the past, hesitant and stumbling. I tried to piece a prayer together, but as usual, there was no mistaking how bad I was at praying. I began thinking about Amy and her baby, who was at risk of being born preterm, and I thought about my experience with the death of my son who had been born prematurely. I felt my sadness and grief at the loss of my child welling up. When my son was born, I had prayed for him, not the prayers of a Christian who had faith, but the desperate, desperate prayers of someone faced with agonizing loss.

I felt a connection with God growing deep in my heart as I prayed for Amy. Then it became something more—God showed me His love for His Son as I loved my son. He showed me His pain that joined with my own. In that moment, I became a believer in Jesus Christ, the Son of the wonderful God who first pursued me; I believed in God and, now, He had introduced me to His son in this most intimate, personal, powerful way.

As I sat on the edge of my bed still trying to pray, I suddenly felt the power of God move within me. I have no other way to describe it. Then, as God's Spirit filled me, I started saying the words to a perfect prayer. There was no hesitation, no awkward silences. The words lifted up for Amy and her child, through me, were no longer my words. I was only aware of what I was saying for the first time as I heard myself speak the prayer and even then, although in English, I still only understood half of what was being prayed. Most significantly there were references to promises God has made to those who have faith, promises I knew nothing about.

At the same time, I felt energy building behind the perfect prayer that was escaping my lips and somehow I felt the prayers I had prayed for my own son years ago, combining with the prayer I prayed now, amplifying my prayer for Amy. (Trust me if I was making this up, I would have left that part out because it makes no sense to me, but I'm telling you exactly what I experienced.) Then, suddenly, I felt the energy leave me as if it was speeding towards Amy. If in that moment someone had told me Amy was healed, I would have had no hesitation believing it. I knew it was true, she would be healed.

That would be a nice place for this testimony to end, but that is only the beginning of the story. In that moment I was changed. Through that experience with God, and His expression of His love for His Son, I became a believer in Jesus Christ, deep in my heart where God had forged a connection with me over the past few months. I was sobbing, and as I began to calm myself, I realized that I felt differently. I didn’t feel like myself anymore. It was confusing. What had happened to me? Later, when I approached Jacob about this, I called it “the thing that happened,” because there were no words in my lexicon for what I was experiencing.

My prayers changed immediately after that experience. They were no longer interspersed with silences when I didn’t know what to pray, or stammering as I tried to find the right words. For the first time, the right words started coming to me easily each time I prayed. If I didn’t know how to pray for someone, I would call on the Holy Spirit to take over the prayer for me. Since that day, this call for assistance with my prayers has never gone unanswered. Through the Holy Spirit there is power in my prayers. God took me, someone who couldn’t pray, and made prayer my calling. I have seen so many of my prayers answered, I’ve heard the Holy Spirit whispering to guide my prayers, and leading me, constantly leading me, to know what to pray for people. When I’m at a loss for words, the Holy Spirit takes over and prays the prayer for me.

It’s difficult to find a place to end this blog, because this was the beginning of my life with Christ. I want to rush into telling you everything that has happened—my struggles, my calling, my heartbreak, my joy—my whole journey given to you as evidence of Our Living God. Thankfully, if the inspirations I get to write these blogs is any indication, in time you will find my whole journey represented here and through it you will learn there is never a reason to doubt that we have a living God in heaven who wants to be in relationship with you as He has with me. "For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said, ‘I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people.’” 2 Corinthians 6:16

If you're already a Christian, I ask that you keep your heart and ears turned to God. We may not all experience God in the same way, but His message is the same for all of us—through a life of faith, faithfulness and prayer, learning by reading and studying the Bible, through serving others, and following His commandments, we will experience final victory in Christ.

If this is new to you and you feel a twinge of hope or joy when you read that scripture, or if you just want it to be true, that is God calling to your heart. How can you respond? You can reach out to someone you know who is an active Christian. You can make plans to attend church. First, though, you can pray right now inviting God into your life. Even if your prayers are stumbling and halting and you don’t know the right words to pray, pray anyway—trust me, God will understand.

Conversation with Jacob – The Thing That Happened

Me:
Since you're going to be busy this weekend, if I have something I want to talk to you about, would now be okay?
Jacob:
Yeah, you can talk to me now. Plus, I should have my phone on all weekend. I just may be very distracted tomorrow. What's on your mind?
Me:
Well, when I was praying for Amy something happened. I started praying and then I felt what I can only describe as God's power and suddenly the words that I was praying were the right words, not words I was thinking of and saying, but just there for me to say and the feeling got really big. There is more than that, but I don't know what is important to tell you and since then I feel different. I can't say better or good, but different.
Jacob:
I think this is wonderful! I think you are feeling the Holy Spirit guiding and filling you. You feel different, huh?
Me:
Yep, different in a "Huh, what is this odd feeling?" kinda way. I've never experienced anything like what happened when I was praying for Amy and you know I'm bad at praying, so that part sure didn't come from me.
Jacob:
Like I said, I don't think there is a bad way to pray as long as your heart is in the right place, and it was when you prayed for Amy? I'm excited for you! :)
Me:
I'm feeling some confusion/turmoil too. Normal?
Jacob:
Normal is a hard thing to say because, as we are learning from the Bible Study book [Hearing God, by Dallas Willard], everyone experiences this in different ways. But I'm very happy you have been praying more. Is there something troubling you? That's always worth praying about.
Me:
L Everything troubles me, Jacob! We live in a difficult world, I feel for everyone who suffers and I have a difficult life myself. I am praying a lot. I find myself praying at times when I don't even remember deciding I was going to pray, yet there I am praying.
Jacob:
That is awesome!

Meeting Jacob

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Meeting Jacob

The first time I saw Jacob, it was in a photograph on a freelancer website attached to a couple sentences that described him as a friendly guy who enjoys talking to people. I’m not even sure how I stumbled on his gig. He looked more like a kid in the photo and I was there looking for computer help for a website project, the website project I started working on after God began pursuing me. Jacob listed his interests and we had a couple things in common, but, seriously, I wasn’t going to pay someone to talk to me and, anyway, he was just a kid, how much could we have to talk about?

There was something that caught my eye in the photograph though, a red reflection in the window behind him and for some reason I can't explain, I became really curious about it. I have an artist's eye that gives me an interest in color, shapes and shadow, so this wasn't out of the ordinary for me, but this time my curiosity was intense. The next day, I went back to his page, copied the image to my art program and started manipulating it. I enlarged it, I color split it, I wondered about it—a lot. I began thinking that if I bought his freelancer offer to chat, at the very least, I could ask him about the reflection in the picture and I could let this preoccupation go.

I did have one other personal hurdle to overcome though. In his profile he said, "No cursing." For me that was a red flag that I was going to be talking to a Christian. In the past, that would have been enough to stop me from talking to him, but because of my recent experiences with God my stand on this wavered more than usual. Plus, I just had a question about the photograph, it's not like this was going to be an ongoing thing. Those were my thoughts as I pressed "Order Now."

Once we started talking I found out that he wasn't a kid at all. He was a college graduate and worked with computers. We talked about our educational backgrounds, our careers and and we discussed why I had bought his freelance offer, but somehow the red reflection didn't come up in that conversation. After our first text exchanges, I thought he would be a great person to have as an accountability partner for the website project I had been struggling with. He agreed to that and we made a plan for him to check in with me a couple times a week.

The next day, Jacob had just returned from church when we started texting and that opened the door to our first conversation about religion. He told me he was Christian and that he attended the Church of the Nazarene. He asked me if I was religious. I told him what I believed, which at that point was a recently updated version of what I used to believe. Yes, I believed in God, but beyond that I was sticking to my old if there is a God convictions—If there is a God, He wasn't interested in me and He offered nothing that I needed or wanted. That is how I met my wonderful God-friend Jacob and how our journey with God began.

Conversation with Jacob - Sharing our Beliefs About God

Me:
I'm not sure that the rules set up by religions are what is important. I'm also not so sure God answers prayers, but If he does, I think people have a limited supply, so don't ever ask me to pray for your dog.
Jacob:
I have no problem talking religion, but I don't want to make you uncomfortable. The one thing I will say is there are only two commandments Jesus gave when asked what was the most important commandment. He said, "To love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. And the second is similar, to love your neighbor as yourself."
Me:
I don't know how that fits into my life. I don't believe in the power of prayer or that God has a plan for us.
Jacob:
Well we are opposites there, because I believe very much in the power of prayer and that God has plans for us. [Little did we know at the time that he was speaking the literal truth. God did have plans for us.]