Category Archives: Hearing God

Derision – A Sin Against Man

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Derision – A Sin Against Man

As is true for many of us, if asked to name some of my best traits, my friends and family would usually include my sense of humor. I like to make people laugh. Looking back (and this is hard to confess), that used to include making jokes at other people's expense. I didn’t just do it sometimes, I did it all the time. I justified it like this: I have a diverse group of friends who don’t know each other, so there is no harm to anyone if I make people laugh by discussing someone’s ineptness and social inadequacies to a person they will never meet—kind of a what they don’t know, won’t hurt them philosophy. Then, God stepped in and changed my heart.

It was soon after the thing that happened happened, after I had received the Holy Spirit and the gift of prayer. I was praying when God began directing my thoughts to this less than admirable behavior. His countenance was one of displeasure and sternness and I immediately felt the seriousness of what He was about to lay before me. It was painful to bear the tremendous weight of His disapproval.

He began to show me the different ways in which I offended Him when I disrespected one of His children—each of His children who were fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14), who He knew before they were formed in the womb (Jeremiah 1:5). He made it clear that it was completely unacceptable to Him that I would mock those that He had created and loved so dearly that He gave His only begotten Son for them. He continued by showing me the pain I inflicted on His children (even when they didn’t know how I disrespected them) and how my behavior lessened and dishonored who He created me to be. It devastated me to see my behavior in this light.

I was so disgusted with myself. My heart ached because I saw how deeply I had disappointed my Heavenly Father. He continued by expressing to me that I needed to give honor and respect to everyone in every circumstance. At the time I didn’t know what my calling was, but I knew in that moment that this was a deal breaker. I needed to repent or I could not fulfill the plans God had for me.

God convicted my heart so powerfully that I was wracked with sobs. The last thing I wanted was for Him to have brought me this far, to have brought me to now, only to fail Him. I begged Him for forgiveness. I pleaded that He would know the sincerity of my desire to change. I repented from a depth I had never experienced before and my heart was transformed.

After this experience, it must have been easy for me to stop deriding, right? Oh, but I wish that were true! I missed the laughs I got deriding people and, in my mind, I didn't know where the boundary was. For instance, if someone did something I found funny and I only talked about what they did, without adding any of my own commentary, was that deriding or just stating facts?

I find that most of us are prone to this type of negotiating as we try to assimilate the changes God requires of us. My heart had changed, but instead of handing this part of my life over to the Holy Spirit for guidance, I continued to look outside the Spirit for direction. As has been true many times, I have to sit with the uncomfortable discord, that battle between who I am and who God wants me to be, before I realize that I need to dedicate this area of my life to God and follow the divine guidance of the Holy Spirit—only then are we truly transformed in His [Jesus] image.

For me, it’s important to take the focus off the change I’m struggling with and, instead, look at myself and the actual process of changing. For instance, if I catch myself negotiating with God in a way that would defend keeping the behavior, I know my transformation has not been great enough. I have not faithfully answered God’s call to change when I pretend the change does not have to be complete. Luke 9:23 says, “Then He [Jesus] said to them all, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.” "Daily." Not deny ourselves "when it’s easy" or "when it suits us," not "when a special challenge arises"—daily.

Jacob was a loyal God-friend through this time of transition. He caught me if I was stepping over the line and I checked with him on several occasions to see if my words were derisive. I didn’t slip often, but I spent a lot of time not mentioning certain people for fear my words would deride. The adage, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say it at all,” had never been more true.

I look at people differently now, with more compassion, with more love in my heart as they stumble through life, like we all do sometimes. I guess I'm not as funny as I used to be. I just asked some friends to list my top traits and only one of them said "funny," but the words “thoughtful,” “compassionate” and “understanding” made it onto the lists more than a few times. Sometimes God works in mysterious ways, sometimes He’s a lot more direct than that.

I am now firmly rooted in my calling as a vessel of prayer for others and I can clearly see there is no way I could have held both disregard for others by deriding them and the compassion for others my calling requires. In Matthew 6:24 it says, “No one can serve two masters,” and I think this is a great example of that. Deriding people was self-serving, not serving my Heavenly Father—you can’t do both, serve yourself and God—a lesson we all need to learn again and again.

My prayers book starts with a bible verse, “I urge you, first of all, to pray for all people…” (1 Timothy 2:1) and because of this experience with God, I am able to do that with my whole heart, holding nothing back. I take this scripture seriously. I pray that God will move in your life as He moves in mine and you will embrace His path for you with a heart open and accepting of the changes He needs to make in you, even if they are uncomfortable for a while. The reward of knowing you are walking on the path He created for you will make it all worthwhile.

Conversation with Jacob - Derision, a Correction from God

Note: I was reading "Hearing God" by Dallas Willard along with Jacob's Bible Study group and that is the reference to "Chapter 2."

From the Previous Day's Discussion

Me:
Jacob. know what I got out of Chapter 2?? A very strong awareness of my lack of righteousness. I haven't even told you everything that has been happening with me. I don't know what to think... or do.
Jacob:
Well that is the beautiful thing about the love of God! It doesn't matter how dirty your past is or how far away you are from Him. He loves you! And Jesus' blood can clean anything pure. If you have accepted Jesus, on the day of judgement God will look down on you and Jesus will step between and God will only see Jesus and let you go by. No one is perfect, but you don't have to be!
Me:
... and if God wants me for something and I miss it because I don't understand?
Jacob:
Then He will make it work! Don't worry you will have plenty of opportunities!
Me:
Just trust and breathe? Every time something happens I want to text you and say, "Jacob, what does this mean!!?" And, truthfully, I can't keep up. I don't know what to do with all these feelings and things that are happening. Find the calmness in knowing that these things can only come from God's hand, and if it comes from Him it is good and what is meant to happen?
Jacob:
Sounds like a good plan to me!

The Derision Correction

Me:
This correction from God makes me feel terrible. On a deep level it speaks to exactly what we talked about yesterday, my "very strong awareness of my lack of righteousness," so strong, in fact, I have always felt my lack in that area should deny me the right to experience God's message.
Jacob:
I hope you have realized that isn't true though. You have every right to God's message as anyone else!
Me:
I did not become more righteous and, therefore, became acceptable to God and able to receive His message. God took me as an unrighteous person and by His hand I am becoming more righteous.
Jacob:
Exactly! And that is grace! Giving even when it isn't deserved :)
Me:
Hey, I kinda get that now! God's grace never made much sense in my head, but with the changes that have been taking place in my life I can feel it in my heart first and now my head is understanding it more. I still know in my heart that this is a deal breaker though, God needs me to make these changes.
Jacob:
That very well could be, we can't know God's plan for us, but I can definitely see Him working in you and it's wonderful!

Whisper of Compassion

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Whispers of Compassion

I begin to pray. I start by thanking God for the day, not out of routine, but because I see the perfection in being able to start over, to wipe the slate clean and try again with every new dawn. I pray through my thanks and praise to Him. I'm only a couple months into my relationship with God and I can tell I'm not very good at praying. My prayers are stilted, there are long pauses where I try to get a feeling for what I should be praying for, and most of the time I can't find the right words so there is just an uncomfortable silence.

After a while, I am drawn to pray for a young woman who goes to my daughter's university. I know very little, only that she has a serious illness and is in the hospital fighting for her life. I start to pray for her recovery when I hear a soft voice say, "Hush. Pray now to console her family.” I immediately change the focus of my prayer. Reaching deep into the sadness and loss I have felt in my own life, I pour out compassion for them. I pray that God will be with them to comfort and console them in their time of grief. They are my words heartfelt, for this grieving family. Because I have experienced the depth of their loss, the intensity of their pain, I am able to pray deeply for them. This is where my painful experiences become blessings for others and eventually joy, when I understand that my pain is being used in the service of others. It would still take a while before I would get to experience that though.

About an hour after I prayed, my daughter called me to tell me the sad news that the young woman had passed away. She asked a simple enough questions, "Had you heard?" The answer that came to me was not as direct. Within me the answer was both yes and no. The prompting of the different direction to my prayer let me know where my prayers were needed, no longer for the young woman’s recovery but for her grieving family. I had no other indication that she had passed away, but I knew.

Of course, I felt great sadness for the young woman and her family, but beyond those feelings I, felt another kind of sadness. It felt so perfect to be led by God in that way. I wished I could live my life over again, hearing His perfect guidance and for everyone to feel the blessing of being guided by His hand in such a gentle and loving way. How simple it was to follow His lead and know what I was meant to do in that prayerful moment.

I also thought of my son and how feverishly I had prayed as we drove to the hospital on the night he passed away. They had told us he had taken a turn for the worse, but in actuality he was already gone. I wonder now if I hadn't been so focused on my own fear and pain, if I would have been able to hear that soft, hushed voice that would have led me to pray a different prayer. Now that I have heard that voice softly introduce the truth of this world into my awareness, I’m deeply saddened that I lived my life without it, or that any of us do. When I tell Jacob, his response below is what encourages me now to share my testimony here. Probably the quietest moment I have ever had with God is part of the inspiration for potentially the farthest my words will ever carry.

Conversation with Jacob - Being Led in Prayer

Me:
So last night I'm praying, and I start praying for a young woman at my daughter's school who was in the hospital fighting for her life. I start to pray for her recovery and a quiet voice says, "Hush. Pray now to console her family" and so I do. About an hour later my daughter texts me and says, "Did you hear that the poor girl who was so sick passed away?" I didn't know how to answer her. I knew because of what I was led to pray, but how could I explain that to her? Of course, I feel terrible for the young woman and her family, but I feel sad for another reason too. It seemed so perfect to be led by the Spirit in that way. I wish I could live my life over with that guidance and for everyone to be guided so perfectly. It makes me really sad that we go through our lives without it.
Jacob:
Wow that is powerful! But don't be sad, be encourage to share that with others.

Daily Bread

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Daily Bread

In previous blogs, I’ve mentioned that when I started my relationship with God, I had some strange, self-fabricated ideas about prayer. For instance, I would say things like, “If there is such a thing as prayer, I think we get a limited supply, so don’t ever ask me to pray for your dog.” I admit, my attitude was flippant and disrespectful. In hindsight, I’m sure this served several purposes. First, it deflected any honest discussion about religion or prayer. Deeper than that, however, it allowed me to push aside any feelings I had about God, His existence, or the fact that if He did exist, it was more than a little evident that He didn’t care about me.

All of this fit very neatly into my belief system, that was, until God began to pursue me. Suddenly, I was faced with confronting my ideas about prayer. I brought this up to Jacob in the context of a situation that was taking place with my roommate. I was completely bedridden at the time. My daughter would pack food into a cooler for me before she left for work in the morning. We had a pretty casual food sharing arrangement with our roommate. Sometimes she would eat our food and stick her head into our room and say, “Oh, if you’re looking for your frozen lasagna meal? I ate it.” Other times, food would just go missing. We behaved in kind. It was not unusual for me to find one of her Hot Pockets or other snacks she had purchased in my cooler.

Our budget was really tight. For the two of us, we budgeted $50 a week for groceries, which included paper goods and personal items. When my daughter would, for whatever reason, have shorter hours at work some weeks, we would have to cut back even further. There were times I would open my cooler to find only stale, cold rice for the day. During those times I was happy to have warm rice with a spoonful of peanut butter stirred into it, if my daughter happened to be home at mealtime. So I had to fight to accept His direction when God sternly instructed me each time my daughter would bring me a food item that belonged to our roommate, “Do not take anything that is not yours.”

My excuses for not doing what He commanded were plentiful:

► My daughter was actually the one taking it, I mean, it wasn’t my decision to “steal” it, so why did it matter if I ate it?
► Our roommate did the same with us, so it was really a non-verbal agreement we had with her, so how could it be wrong for us to take her food?
► I was hungry, I’m sure she wouldn’t want me to be in my room starving when there was food in the refrigerator. If the situation was reversed, I’d want her to take our food.
► I didn’t mind (all that much) when she took our food when we had some, and she probably felt the same.

Yet, I could feel God’s displeasure with me every time I accepted and ate our roommate’s food, so I started telling my daughter that I didn’t like the food our roommate had purchased, and instructed her not to bring it to me. When she continued to bring it to me (because there really wasn’t any of our food left in the apartment), I finally told her that this was a message from God. I was not to take anything that wasn’t mine, and that included our roommate’s food. She wasn’t happy about it, but she adhered to my request and stopped bringing me our roommate’s food. I told this story to Jacob and he asked if I had prayed for God to provide food for us. I explained to him that I didn’t know how to pray for things for myself. His response was, “Have you heard of the Lord’s Prayer?”

I replied that I had. Then, as was common with our text conversations, there was a pause before his next message. I sat there looking at his message, thinking. I knew the Lord’s Prayer, although I hadn’t prayed it a long time. So, I began to pray wondering if I even remembered the words. “Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name,” I prayed it with the strong reverence that I had developed for our Almighty God. “Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven,” again I prayed the words earnestly, allowing myself to express the depth of my desire to be part of God’s kingdom. Deep in prayer, I continued, “Give us this day our daily bread…” as I finished saying those words, as clearly as I have ever heard God’s voice, He said, “It has been done.”

I immediately felt joyful and so thankful! Without knowing how my need for food would be met, I knew God had answered my prayer! He was going to provide! Excitedly, I rushed to text Jacob and tell him about what had happened, to tell him that my prayer had been both asked and answered through God's grace. Then, suddenly as I tapped "send," I felt God shinning His love and approval down on me. I have never felt so loved or so much joy! It was beyond anything I thought was possible. It flooded me, covered me, filled me. I had expressed my faith that He had answered my prayer even before I had any outward sign that this was true. and He was pleased. I just knew it was because I had demonstrated a sincere expression of my unquestioning faith in Him.

I looked up at the text message above mine, the one Jacob had sent while I was having this moment with God. It read, ‘You don’t have to pray it, my point is to use it as a template for how you should pray.” I laughed to myself knowing that God had found a way for me to pray for my needs despite the fact that I felt I couldn’t, and then He answered that prayer. What an amazing and perfect God!

A couple hours later, my daughter came home from work with 3 big trays of Panda Express. Her employer had provided lunch for the staff, and these 3 trays of food were left at the end of the day. They offered them to anyone who wanted to take them. My daughter was the only one who showed interest, so the food was given to her. Moreover, there were 2 trays of chicken based meals and the third tray was a completely vegetarian dish, and my daughter doesn't eat meat. God provided for both of us!

The next day a friend had gone out for pizza and afterward decided she wasn’t going right home, so she dropped off a large pizza with only one slice missing to our apartment. She didn’t want the pizza to be wasted by going bad in her hot car. Day-after-day for weeks things like this kept happening. We somehow got another round of Panda Express. My other daughter lived in town and her refrigerator stopped working. Could she give us all her frozen food? “Of course you can!” There was so much food, the freezer was full and we had to start cooking things so we could store some of it in the refrigerator. Every day when I opened my cooler, it was filled to the top with a bounty of food inside!

Of course, this was a wonderful example of God showing me love and understanding. He knew where I was in my immaturity with prayer, so He gave me the prayer to pray and then answered that prayer with an abundance of food. That part of the experience alone is enough to astound me. However, so much more amazing was the feeling of God’s love and approval filling me, covering me, all-encompassing. It’s hard to find the words to describe how it felt, "glorious" is the closest I can come. I never think much about heaven. Maybe I’m just not there yet in my religious development, but in that moment, from the bottom of my heart, throughout my whole soul, every bit of me ached for the day I will feel the unimaginable joy of being in His presence for all eternity.

Conversation with Jacob – Praying the Lord's Prayer

Me:
I think I still have some praying misconceptions and inadequacies I need to work on. :/
Jacob:
Well you aren't ever inadequate for prayer, but maybe we can clear up those misconceptions.
Me:
I'm still working off some of my made-up prayer rules. That can't be good. L I have glitches like how can I pray prayers for myself if I’m praying for something other people are lacking too? Why should it be okay that I put my needs above theirs?
Jacob:
Why can't you pray for both? Have you heard of the Lord's prayer? It probably is the most famous Christian prayer, many non-believers even know it.
Me:
I did know it. I have not said it in a very long time though. I'm not sure I ever prayed it.

[pause in texts]

Jacob:
You don’t have to pray it, my point is to use it as a template for how you should pray. Jesus said that prayer after someone asked him how to pray. Even if you don't say it word for word, there are good pointers.
Me:
Something just happened!!!!!! I couldn’t make myself pray for food for us when I know there are people suffering so much more than we struggle. There are people who don’t even have rice, you know? Then you sent the Lord's Pray text and I prayed it in earnest. When I got to the "give us this day our daily bread" part, I got this big message from God, "It has been done!" Jacob, He gave me the words to pray and then answered my prayer!

“I Brought You to Now”

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“I Brought You to Now”

Excerpt: Spoken firmly, with assurance and compassion, God said, “I brought you to now.” In that moment, those few words flipped my perception of my past upside down...


It was late September, 2014. I'd known Jacob for less than a month, and here I was already asking him for extra support in the days ahead. We were approaching the anniversary of my infant son's death, always a difficult time for me. I'd been through so many difficult experiences in my life. Earlier the same year that my son passed away, my mother had died of leukemia, I had given birth to premature twins, each weighing barely a pound, and four months after that I was holding my lifeless son in my arms.

On the day of this message from God, I was texting with Jacob, describing to him what had happened on the night of my son's death. My eldest daughter, my son's twin, had grown more quickly and had been home from the hospital for a few weeks while my son remained hospitalized. That night, she woke and continued crying even after her physical needs for a diaper change and warm bottle were satisfied.

I walked her as I thought about my son. At four months old he was not improving. They had moved him from the incubator to a full-size crib hoping that being exposed to more than the inside of a plastic incubator would help, but nothing changed. He was frequently agitated, and the nurses had to restrain his arms to keep him from pulling the IV tubes from his body. As his mom, I loved him so much and wanted him to get better and come home, but as I slid down the wall and sat on the floor with my daughter, I prayed that if God was going to take him, that He take him soon. If he wasn't going to live, I didn't want him to suffer any longer. I was still sitting on the floor, my cheeks wet with tears, when the phone rang. It was the hospital calling to say our son had taken a turn for the worse.

My husband and I got ready to leave. dropped our daughter off with my sister, and drove to the hospital. My prayer was forgotten in the midst of the anxiety I was experiencing, fearing what we were about to face. As we sped to the hospital I prayed and prayed that my son would be okay.

When we arrived at the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, a doctor met us in the hall and showed us to a small room where she gave us the devastating news that our son had passed away. It was hospital policy not to give news like that over the phone, but to ask parents to come to the hospital. The truth was that he had died before they had called us. A nurse brought him to us, his tiny body wrapped in a hospital blanket. My husband and I both held him, told him we loved him and said our heartbreaking final goodbyes. Feeling that my desperate prayers for my son's life had been pointless, I questioned the existence of God. I had prayed so hard and in my pain believed that if God existed, there would have been a different outcome. I angrily disavowed any belief I had in God.

I told Jacob this story, wracked with sobs as I thought about this painful time in my life. Then I began thinking about all the sadness and pain I'd experienced, starting with my early life placed in foster care for several years while my birthmother made up her mind to put me up for adoption. I thought about difficulties I faced as a child, my mom's death, my son's death, the end of my marriage, my struggles as a single parent, and in the midst of trying to make a better life, I sustained the injury that put an end to so many of my goals and dreams. I sat on my bed sobbing when I heard God's voice.

Spoken firmly, with assurance and compassion, God said, “I brought you to now.” In that moment, those few words flipped my perception of my past upside down. With those few words, I realized that my life had not been a series of tragedies and misfortunes randomly dealt by fate. Nothing I had been through had been in vain — God had His hand on my life with every step. With those few words from God, my life suddenly made sense.

Before that moment, unable to see God leading me through these tragedies, my past seemed like a sad tale of repeated abandonment, pain, and defeat, but everything changed with those words. With the sudden awareness that God had been directing my life, bringing me to this moment, to now, the experiences from my life transformed. They became lessons in faith and compassion for others.

If I told you I haven’t had any bad days since then, it would be a lie. I have days when I slip back into feeling sadness and depression over my past and I feel great emotional pain being so isolated. However, that only lasts as long as it takes me to remember that God has brought me to now for His purpose. When I remember that everything I have been through and everything I am going through is for His glory, I feel my strength and endurance restored.

I'd like you to think about this… whatever your life has been like, He has brought you to now. He has brought you through those experiences for a reason. He has faithfully brought us to this now, with the continued promise to bring us to the next now and the next after that for as long as we live and beyond. Please try to understand this message and the peace it can bring you. God has always had a plan for you and for me. He has always walked beside you on your journey just as He has walked with me on mine. Yes, even in your most devastating times, God has been with you. The Bible says:

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

The Lord said to Jeremiah, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart..." God didn't pick out only a few people to work for His glory. He didn't say, "Okay, let's see... I'll take her [pointing], and Jeremiah, and... I don't know, just throw in a couple others in case we run out." No! Each one of us was "fearfully and wonderfully made," created for His purpose:

"For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:10

He has created us to do good works, and He walks beside us on every step of our journey. Once you accept that He has a plan for you, you will start seeing your life differently — blessed by God for His purpose, blessed, even when we face the most difficult experiences of our lives. With the utmost love, mercy and grace for you, directing you to the path of everlasting joy in His kingdom, He has faithfully brought you to now.

Conversation with Jacob – "I Brought You to Now"

Me:
The anniversary of my son's death is hitting me harder this year, maybe because I am alone so much and I have more time to think about things.
Jacob:
How many years has it been, if I may ask?
Me:
A long time... he was a baby.
Jacob:
It doesn't matter how long it's been, it is still a very emotional experience that you never really get over.
Me:
I hope you don't think I'm crazy, but I hear God. Is that crazy?? It hasn't happened to me often, but now it’s like I suddenly know how to listen for Him.
Jacob:
I don't think you are crazy. It isn't how I hear Him, but I don't think you are crazy one bit.
Me:
The only things He has been saying to me are "Work." and "No." But, just now, God said, "I brought you to now." since we've been talking, I've been so upset, and suddenly I feel so calm knowing that everything that has happened to me has been part of God's plan. He brought me to now...
Jacob:
Wow! I wish I could hear Him like that.
Me:
I live with a lot of silence, perfect for listening I guess.
Jacob:
After all the distractions in my life, I would welcome the silence.
Me:
I feel like He is revealing his power to me, even in the smallest things. The other day I had an inspiration that I should be writing down my experiences. I thought, "I don't have anything to write in," and that afternoon someone gave me a blank journal, brand new! So now I'm writing all my God experiences down. It keeps going that way. He shows me a need, I realize I can't fulfill it myself, and then He provides what I need. He has a plan, I'm sure of it.
Jacob:
Wow! Man, He is working in your life! :)
Me:
I’m new at this, but I’m already seeing that when God puts a plan into action, there is no denying it.



My first "God journal"

The Origami Box

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The Origami Box

My son was already a certified Diesel Mechanic when he was in his teens which, for the purpose of this account, means that feeling the need to prove himself in a world of rough-talking men, he swears like... well, like a diesel mechanic. I mean no offense to diesel mechanics who don't use profanity, but if they're working in the industry they’ll most definitely know what I’m talking about.

My son had come over for a visit and was telling me about his job, triggering him to spout a string of profanities which included taking the Lord’s name in vain among the vilest of curse words. Even as he spoke them, I wished I could un-hear them. What made the situation worse was that my son said the Lord’s name with the same words with which I call on God when I pray.

Later, when he had left and I started to pray, I humbled myself before the Lord and began my prayer, but instead of being able to connect with Him, as I spoke His name that string of expletives popped into my head. I tried again and again, but each time the same thing happened. I tried calling out to Him with a different name, but like trying not to think about something and then finding that’s the only thing you can think about, the vile words just kept coming into my mind. I couldn’t connect with God. I couldn’t pray.

This was at such a fragile time in my transformation. I was feeling so much unrest between who I had been and who I was becoming being led by the Holy Spirit for the first time. I was in such a tentative place, I couldn’t begin to fathom that God loved me and was actually pursuing me. I questioned everything that was happening: Did I want to believe? Would I or could I turn my life over to God for more than a few minutes at a time? What was it that God wanted from me? I was in so much turmoil and pain, and now my connection with my newly found Heavenly Father was gone. I was heartbroken and felt growing anguish every time I tried to pray but couldn’t.

I had heard about using the name of Jesus to turn away demons, and so I spoke to Satan in the same way I speak to God, but instead of inviting him in like I do with God, I told him that he was not going to be part of my life. I had made the decision to give my life over to God. Then, with my small faith and whatever confidence I could muster as a new believer, I ordered Satan away from me. Well, I’d like to think I ordered Satan away, but it was probably more like a strong suggestion that he leave. It was the first time I had ever encountered something like this, and, although I tried, nothing changed. I still couldn't pray.

I turned to Jacob and asked him what I should do, and as always Jacob was patient and helpful. (See Jacob's text below) He suggested that I try to sneak a small prayer through. That may sound like a strange idea, but all I needed was enough time with God to plead for his help. To try this I knew I needed to block those profane words somehow and so I listened to Christian music. If this happened today, I would have many faith-strengthening and uplifting songs to choose from. At the time, the only “Christian" songs I knew were a handful of Christmas carols. Only one seemed to bring me any relief, “For unto Us a Child is Born.”

"And his name shall be called Wonderful, Counselor, The Mighty God, The Everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace...” While I listened to the song over and over again, letting the carol fill my ears and my mind, I explained my problem to God. Then, as I tried to pray, the image of an origami box came into my thoughts, a flimsy looking origami paper box and God said, “Put them in here and I will keep them.” I looked at this flimsy paper box and railed against Him, “I'm in crisis and this is all you have? A paper box?!” I’d need a reinforced steal box to lock these vile words away. I cried out in disbelief, “A paper box will not hold them!”

Once again, in my mind's eye, God’s outreached hands presented the flimsy paper box to me, “Have faith. I will hold them. I will not let them harm you.” I wanted the evil words taken from me, I wanted to forget this ever happened, and all I was being offered was a fragile paper box? I had no faith that the box could hold them, but, of course, a little paper box couldn’t hold them. It was God who held my deliverance in His hands. The box was just a way for Him to show me, new to the world and word of God, that what I needed to do was trust Him.

If you had told me that God would carry my burdens, that all I had to do was turn them over to Him, infantile in my faith, I wouldn’t have known what that meant or where to start. But, the outreached box? I knew what to do with that. I tentatively envisioned placing the string of abhorrent words into the paper box and replaced the lid. My problem was in God’s hands. I could see that represented in the beautiful paper box.

Almost immediately the vile words were gone. There is not a trace of them in my mind, even as I write this blog and I am reminded of the incident – nothing. I’m sure if I dug deep into my memory, I could reconstruct that particular string of profanities, but I feel vulnerable to the evil that kept me from my Heavenly Father. I never want to provoke it by letting those words back into my thoughts.

There are two bible verses that come to mind. First is Job 1:7, “The Lord said to Satan, 'Where have you come from?' Satan answered the Lord, 'From roaming throughout the earth, going back and forth on it.'" The second is 1 Peter 5:8, “Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” I think Satan roams the earth looking for opportunities just like this one to try and undermine our faith. What surprises me is how readily and constantly I am deceived by him. If anyone reading knows how to "be alert" in an actionable way, please share in the comments below. I still struggle with this a lot.

I’ve been with God for a little over a year and a half. Since this incident I’ve developed a much stronger faith in Him. I know without doubt that He will carry my burdens and He will do everything in His power to keep our connection unbroken. All I have to do is put my burdens into His outreached hands.

I probably have outgrown the need for the paper box, but I love it and what it represents. It is a reminder of God’s promise to sustain those who are trying to live a righteous life. I still use the image of the paper box. It is where I toss my temptations, unGodly thoughts, and worldly distractions. Then, God, through His mercy takes them from me and holds them, unwavering. “Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.” Psalm 55:22. Hallelujah for such a loving and faithful God!

Conversation with Jacob - Blocked from Prayer

Jacob:
I believe with all my heart that you have been doing great and growing closer to God. I also believe that nothing bothers Satan more than that! As you grow to be a stronger Christian, he will try harder to stop your connection and work because now you are a threat whereas before he had you in the bag and didn’t have to worry. Now God is winning you back.

When presented with that situation where you can’t pray I think you should do what you did, talk to Satan and tell him that he has lost the fight for your soul like he is going to lose the fight for your prayer. Tell him to be gone in the name of Jesus for there is power in His name that makes demons flee and the more faith you show that His name has power the more damaging it will be for evil. So tell Satan to get out of your way. Then try to pray again and if you feel you can’t, try to get a small one through. Cry out to God, say “Lord I’m struggling to connect right now, give me strength to hold on! I want to be closer."

If you need a break emotionally then stop for a while, but don’t give up trying. The devil wants you to wear out and decide that sin is easier. But sin is bondage. Don’t give up reaching out to God even when the devil tries to block your communication and prayer. And through these struggles, remember God loves you endlessly and wants more than ever to have and grow that connection with you.