The Beginning: Hearing God
Despite the fact that there was a very clear beginning to God pursuing me, it’s hard to know where to begin the story of my journey. I’ll confess, at the time I was not a believer. I had a whole lifetime of pain stored away, so why would I believe in a God that would let terrible things happen to people? Why would I believe in a God that was alleged to answer prayers, but so obviously didn’t? This recent injury that left me bedridden was the final blow. I was broken by the world and now sat isolated in my room day-after-day, feeling hopeless, believing that this was all my future would ever hold—then I woke up hearing God.
It was late July, 2014. I had been bedridden for almost a year. My daughter left for work early in the morning, so I was alone when I was startled awake by a powerful, commanding voice. I bolted upright in bed. My first thought was that it had to be the voice of God, because of how it resonated and resounded both within me and around me, but as I sat there I began trying to explain it away. Could it have been a voice in my dream? Or, a noise outside that in my sleep I misinterpreted as words? Perhaps in all the isolation, I was finally losing it. My mind searched for a rational answer to what had happened.
The message from God was probably not what you’d expect. He didn’t impart wisdom or express His love for me. He only said one word, “Work!” I began hearing His voice every few days, at first only waking me from sleep but, later, I started hearing Him when I was awake too. I tested my sanity, but all my other mental faculties seemed to be intact. I studied my interactions with my daughter in case I had gone mad and didn’t know it, but our conversations were no different than before. Surely, if I had gone mad, it would be evident in some other area of my life. Hesitantly, I began accepting what my heart already knew—I was hearing God.
Once I began to come to terms with that, I had a problem. I wasn’t sure what He meant by “Work!” I am goal-oriented and have always loved to have projects but, bedridden as I was, I could only think of one thing to work on. I got on my computer and pulled up a website I had started creating several months before but had abandoned when I got in over my head coding the design. I wasn’t sure if this was what God wanted me to work on, but I didn’t know what else to do. I began re-familiarizing myself with the work I had been doing and started updating the content on the site.
Several times I felt led by God to make changes in my wording, most notably to add “God given” in front of the word “strengths” when I was writing about a person’s innate talents. When this happened, for the most part, I didn’t comply. I didn’t like the mention of God on people’s websites, so why would I potentially turn people off to my site by mentioning God? I might not have been obedient to His will yet, but my belief in His existence was no longer in question.
As August arrived, I started feeling more depressed. My daughter’s hours at work had increased and she was going to college full-time, so I was left alone sixteen to eighteen hours a day, every day. To add to my emotional state, my birthday is in August and as the day arrived it brought up thoughts of what my life had been and the reality that I would inevitably spend the rest of my life isolated and confined to bed. I was already in a dark place emotionally, and then it got worse when Robin Williams committed suicide on my birthday. With every news report and message on Facebook (and if you remember, news of his suicide was everywhere), I kept thinking to myself, “If Robin Williams with all his talent, friends, fans and wealth couldn’t find a reason to live, why was I still breathing?” My depression was so deep it was suffocating me. In my pain, I cried out to my new-found God.
Shaking and with tears streaming down my face, I explained to Him that I couldn’t think of a reason to live, that I didn’t need His love, or heaven, or even healing—I begged only for one thing. I cried out, “I have education and experience and a love in my heart for helping people! Why would You lock me away like this? God, If You won’t put me back into the world again, then I need You to give me purpose!” Then I cried myself to sleep.
After that day, nothing seemed to change. God continued to say, “Work!” Terribly depressed, but imagining that somehow the website could be the answer to my prayer, I tried to focus on that. I avoided going online so news of Robin Williams’ death wouldn’t stir up my feelings of desperation. Finally, I finished the content and was faced with finding a way to overcome the roadblock that in the past had kept me from moving forward with my website. That is what prompted me to go to the freelance site where I first met my God-friend, Jacob.
My story continues here: Meeting Jacob
Since then, God has made such a transformation in me that, even now looking back, it amazes me to see how intimately my Heavenly Father knows me, and how perfectly and patiently He brought me to Him and molded me into a Vessel of Prayer for others. Through my pain, my anger, my selfishness, my stubbornness, my arrogance and my unbelief, He brought me to joy in worshiping at His feet and in tenaciously holding on in faith and faithfulness to the path He has laid before me, no matter how difficult or how impossible it seems. I say this in faith because I don't know where this story will take us, but if you want to see God’s power revealed, keep following my journey—and, together, we will see what our God can do.
