Despite the fact that there was a very clear beginning to God pursuing me, it’s hard to know where to begin the story of my journey. I’ll confess, at the time I was not a believer. I had a whole lifetime of pain stored away, so why would I believe in a God that would let terrible things happen to people? Why would I believe in a God that was alleged to answer prayers, but so obviously didn’t? This recent injury that left me bedridden was the final blow. I was broken by the world and now sat isolated in my room day-after-day, feeling hopeless, believing that this was all my future would ever hold—then I woke up hearing God.

It was late July, 2014. I had been bedridden for almost a year. My daughter left for work early in the morning, so I was alone when I was startled awake by a powerful, commanding voice. I bolted upright in bed. My first thought was that it had to be the voice of God, because of how it resonated and resounded both within me and around me, but as I sat there I began trying to explain it away. Could it have been a voice in my dream? Or, a noise outside that in my sleep I misinterpreted as words? Perhaps in all the isolation, I was finally losing it. My mind searched for a rational answer to what had happened.

The message from God was probably not what you’d expect. He didn’t impart wisdom or express His love for me. He only said one word, “Work!” I began hearing His voice every few days, at first only waking me from sleep but, later, I started hearing Him when I was awake too. I tested my sanity, but all my other mental faculties seemed to be intact. I studied my interactions with my daughter in case I had gone mad and didn’t know it, but our conversations were no different than before. Surely, if I had gone mad, it would be evident in some other area of my life. Hesitantly, I began accepting what my heart already knew—I was hearing God.

Once I began to come to terms with that, I had a problem. I wasn’t sure what He meant by “Work!” I am goal-oriented and have always loved to have projects but, bedridden as I was, I could only think of one thing to work on. I got on my computer and pulled up a website I had started creating several months before but had abandoned when I got in over my head coding the design. I wasn’t sure if this was what God wanted me to work on, but I didn’t know what else to do. I began re-familiarizing myself with the work I had been doing and started updating the content on the site.

Several times I felt led by God to make changes in my wording, most notably to add “God given” in front of the word “strengths” when I was writing about a person’s innate talents. When this happened, for the most part, I didn’t comply. I didn’t like the mention of God on people’s websites, so why would I potentially turn people off to my site by mentioning God? I might not have been obedient to His will yet, but my belief in His existence was no longer in question.

As August arrived, I started feeling more depressed. My daughter’s hours at work had increased and she was going to college full-time, so I was left alone sixteen to eighteen hours a day, every day. To add to my emotional state, my birthday is in August and as the day arrived it brought up thoughts of what my life had been and the reality that I would inevitably spend the rest of my life isolated and confined to bed. I was already in a dark place emotionally, and then it got worse when Robin Williams committed suicide on my birthday. With every news report and message on Facebook (and if you remember, news of his suicide was everywhere), I kept thinking to myself, “If Robin Williams with all his talent, friends, fans and wealth couldn’t find a reason to live, why was I still breathing?” My depression was so deep it was suffocating me. In my pain, I cried out to my new-found God.

Shaking and with tears streaming down my face, I explained to Him that I couldn’t think of a reason to live, that I didn’t need His love, or heaven, or even healing—I begged only for one thing. I cried out, “I have education and experience and a love in my heart for helping people! Why would You lock me away like this? God, If You won’t put me back into the world again, then I need You to give me purpose!” Then I cried myself to sleep.

After that day, nothing seemed to change. God continued to say, “Work!” Terribly depressed, but imagining that somehow the website could be the answer to my prayer, I tried to focus on that. I avoided going online so news of Robin Williams’ death wouldn’t stir up my feelings of desperation. Finally, I finished the content and was faced with finding a way to overcome the roadblock that in the past had kept me from moving forward with my website. That is what prompted me to go to the freelance site where I first met my God-friend, Jacob.

My story continues here: Meeting Jacob

Since then, God has made such a transformation in me that, even now looking back, it amazes me to see how intimately my Heavenly Father knows me, and how perfectly and patiently He brought me to Him and molded me into a Vessel of Prayer for others. Through my pain, my anger, my selfishness, my stubbornness, my arrogance and my unbelief, He brought me to joy in worshiping at His feet and in tenaciously holding on in faith and faithfulness to the path He has laid before me, no matter how difficult or how impossible it seems. I say this in faith because I don't know where this story will take us, but if you want to see God’s power revealed, keep following my journey—and, together, we will see what our God can do.

My daughter works at a discount retail store. Often, she is there at night when they are sweeping up and if she sees an abandoned shopping list on the floor, she’ll pick it up and bring it home to share with me. If we had to file these lists into a category, it would be titled, “People Are Funny.” The lists are often silly, confusing, witty and sometimes downright hilarious. There are also poignant moments. For instance, one list read, “interview outfit, something to settle stomach.” Another time the paper contained a list of children’s party supplies and at the bottom of the long list, “Advil.” Priceless! Scraps of unidentifiable paper, notebook pages, post-it notes, paper from “list” pads, the inside of a piece of cereal box; we’ve seen it all—well, I thought we’d seen it all.

On this particular night, the list she brought home was written on a regular 8.5"x11" piece of paper that was folded into quarters. My daughter had been working when she found it and so she had slipped it into her pocket unread. We unfold it together. On the back of the paper (in what I believe was female handwriting), was a pretty mundane grocery list: milk, bread... those kinds of things. Then I realized that at least half of the page was also covered with more personal content including the words, "Let go, let God." When I flipped it over, the front of the paper was a page from an Alcoholics Anonymous workbook. There was no name or identifying information on the page. The person had been working on, “Step Three: Deciding to Turn Our Will and Our Lives Over to the Care of God.”

There were printed questions and in the spaces below the questions (and on every blank space where writing would fit) there were lists of things this woman thought she needed to change in order to succeed in her sobriety and in her new walk with God. The words “make myself a better person” jumped out at me.

She described the new perspective she needed to cultivate, the areas in which she needed to take more control of her actions, and the steps she was going to take to change her negative thinking. There was also a list of medical bills she needed to pay related to becoming sober and the need to find a job. However, there was no indication that she understood anything about turning her will and life over to the care of God. Instead, her lists indicated she was going to try her hardest to gain even greater control over her life, the complete opposite of “Let go, let God.” The only other reference to spirituality were the two final lines on the page:

“Remember to pray. Continue to pray.
I need God's help.”

It was only after I looked at her responses that the first printed question on the workbook page caught my attention, “Am I willing to turn the things I cannot control over to the care of my Higher Power?” This was accompanied by a small admonition saying that in order to achieve successful sobriety you needed to turn the control of your life over to God. Yet, there was no indication that this person had any belief other than that she needed to try harder and grasp tighter to the things she thought she could control.

I turned the page to the back again. In the spotty ink of a pen that is failing she had written, “My Prayer: God, please give me the strength to face these challenges, the power to overcome my weakness and the courage to change myself and my circumstances.” From my perspective, this was not the prayer of someone who had learned to put their trust in God, to lay their burdens at His feet. What she was asking for was to be turned into a superhero (faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound), when what she really needed to do was to humble herself by admitting she was helpless over her addiction and to confess that only God has the power to implement these kinds of changes in her life. He is everything we are incapable of being on our own.

Why does this story make me so happy? It is because she prayed for God's help and He provided. Psalms 55:22 reads, “Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you.” In His mercy and grace, God took her “to do” list for living a more wholesome, sober life, a huge step in her relationship with God, and delivered it to me, someone He was in the process of making a Vessel of Prayer for others and, therefore, could be assured her troubles would be delivered to Him in faith. He literally had her "let go" (of her list) and "let God" (answer her prayer by putting her list in my hands). Every day I pray for the shopping list woman. With her trials spelled out for me on that piece of paper, one-by-one I hand them over to God in prayer, fully trusting that He alone is the answer to her sobriety and her salvation. God is good.