“I Brought You to Now”

Posted on January 27, 2017March 1, 2019 by admin

Excerpt: Spoken firmly, with assurance and compassion, God said, “I brought you to now.” In that moment, those few words flipped my perception of my past upside down...

It was late September, 2014. I'd known Jacob for less than a month, and here I was already asking him for extra support in the days ahead. We were approaching the anniversary of my infant son's death, always a difficult time for me. I'd been through so many difficult experiences in my life. Earlier the same year that my son passed away, my mother had died of leukemia, I had given birth to premature twins, each weighing barely a pound, and four months after that I was holding my lifeless son in my arms.

On the day of this message from God, I was texting with Jacob, describing to him what had happened on the night of my son's death. My eldest daughter, my son's twin, had grown more quickly and had been home from the hospital for a few weeks while my son remained hospitalized. That night, she woke and continued crying even after her physical needs for a diaper change and warm bottle were satisfied.

I walked her as I thought about my son. At four months old he was not improving. They had moved him from the incubator to a full-size crib hoping that being exposed to more than the inside of a plastic incubator would help, but nothing changed. He was frequently agitated, and the nurses had to restrain his arms to keep him from pulling the IV tubes from his body. As his mom, I loved him so much and wanted him to get better and come home, but as I slid down the wall and sat on the floor with my daughter, I prayed that if God was going to take him, that He take him soon. If he wasn't going to live, I didn't want him to suffer any longer. I was still sitting on the floor, my cheeks wet with tears, when the phone rang. It was the hospital calling to say our son had taken a turn for the worse.

My husband and I got ready to leave. dropped our daughter off with my sister, and drove to the hospital. My prayer was forgotten in the midst of the anxiety I was experiencing, fearing what we were about to face. As we sped to the hospital I prayed and prayed that my son would be okay.

When we arrived at the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, a doctor met us in the hall and showed us to a small room where she gave us the devastating news that our son had passed away. It was hospital policy not to give news like that over the phone, but to ask parents to come to the hospital. The truth was that he had died before they had called us. A nurse brought him to us, his tiny body wrapped in a hospital blanket. My husband and I both held him, told him we loved him and said our heartbreaking final goodbyes. Feeling that my desperate prayers for my son's life had been pointless, I questioned the existence of God. I had prayed so hard and in my pain believed that if God existed, there would have been a different outcome. I angrily disavowed any belief I had in God.

I told Jacob this story, wracked with sobs as I thought about this painful time in my life. Then I began thinking about all the sadness and pain I'd experienced, starting with my early life placed in foster care for several years while my birthmother made up her mind to put me up for adoption. I thought about difficulties I faced as a child, my mom's death, my son's death, the end of my marriage, my struggles as a single parent, and in the midst of trying to make a better life, I sustained the injury that put an end to so many of my goals and dreams. I sat on my bed sobbing when I heard God's voice.

Spoken firmly, with assurance and compassion, God said, “I brought you to now.” In that moment, those few words flipped my perception of my past upside down. With those few words, I realized that my life had not been a series of tragedies and misfortunes randomly dealt by fate. Nothing I had been through had been in vain — God had His hand on my life with every step. With those few words from God, my life suddenly made sense.

Before that moment, unable to see God leading me through these tragedies, my past seemed like a sad tale of repeated abandonment, pain, and defeat, but everything changed with those words. With the sudden awareness that God had been directing my life, bringing me to this moment, to now, the experiences from my life transformed. They became lessons in faith and compassion for others.

If I told you I haven’t had any bad days since then, it would be a lie. I have days when I slip back into feeling sadness and depression over my past and I feel great emotional pain being so isolated. However, that only lasts as long as it takes me to remember that God has brought me to now for His purpose. When I remember that everything I have been through and everything I am going through is for His glory, I feel my strength and endurance restored.

I'd like you to think about this… whatever your life has been like, He has brought you to now. He has brought you through those experiences for a reason. He has faithfully brought us to this now, with the continued promise to bring us to the next now and the next after that for as long as we live and beyond. Please try to understand this message and the peace it can bring you. God has always had a plan for you and for me. He has always walked beside you on your journey just as He has walked with me on mine. Yes, even in your most devastating times, God has been with you. The Bible says:

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

The Lord said to Jeremiah, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart..." God didn't pick out only a few people to work for His glory. He didn't say, "Okay, let's see... I'll take her [pointing], and Jeremiah, and... I don't know, just throw in a couple others in case we run out." No! Each one of us was "fearfully and wonderfully made," created for His purpose:

"For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:10

He has created us to do good works, and He walks beside us on every step of our journey. Once you accept that He has a plan for you, you will start seeing your life differently — blessed by God for His purpose, blessed, even when we face the most difficult experiences of our lives. With the utmost love, mercy and grace for you, directing you to the path of everlasting joy in His kingdom, He has faithfully brought you to now.

Conversation with Jacob – "I Brought You to Now"

Me:
The anniversary of my son's death is hitting me harder this year, maybe because I am alone so much and I have more time to think about things.
Jacob:
How many years has it been, if I may ask?
Me:
A long time... he was a baby.
Jacob:
It doesn't matter how long it's been, it is still a very emotional experience that you never really get over.
Me:
I hope you don't think I'm crazy, but I hear God. Is that crazy?? It hasn't happened to me often, but now it’s like I suddenly know how to listen for Him.
Jacob:
I don't think you are crazy. It isn't how I hear Him, but I don't think you are crazy one bit.
Me:
The only things He has been saying to me are "Work." and "No." But, just now, God said, "I brought you to now." since we've been talking, I've been so upset, and suddenly I feel so calm knowing that everything that has happened to me has been part of God's plan. He brought me to now...
Jacob:
Wow! I wish I could hear Him like that.
Me:
I live with a lot of silence, perfect for listening I guess.
Jacob:
After all the distractions in my life, I would welcome the silence.
Me:
I feel like He is revealing his power to me, even in the smallest things. The other day I had an inspiration that I should be writing down my experiences. I thought, "I don't have anything to write in," and that afternoon someone gave me a blank journal, brand new! So now I'm writing all my God experiences down. It keeps going that way. He shows me a need, I realize I can't fulfill it myself, and then He provides what I need. He has a plan, I'm sure of it.
Jacob:
Wow! Man, He is working in your life! :)
Me:
I’m new at this, but I’m already seeing that when God puts a plan into action, there is no denying it.

The Origami Box

Posted on January 26, 2017March 1, 2019 by admin

My son had come over for a visit and was telling me about his job, triggering him to spout a string of profanities which included taking the Lord’s name in vain among the vilest of curse words. Even as he spoke them, I wished I could un-hear them. What made the situation worse was that my son said the Lord’s name with the same words with which I call on God when I pray.

Later, when he had left and I started to pray, I humbled myself before the Lord and began my prayer, but instead of being able to connect with Him, as I spoke His name that string of expletives popped into my head. I tried again and again, but each time the same thing happened. I tried calling out to Him with a different name, but like trying not to think about something and then finding that’s the only thing you can think about, the vile words just kept coming into my mind. I couldn’t connect with God. I couldn’t pray.

This was at such a fragile time in my transformation. I was feeling so much unrest between who I had been and who I was becoming being led by the Holy Spirit for the first time. I was in such a tentative place, I couldn’t begin to fathom that God loved me and was actually pursuing me. I questioned everything that was happening: Did I want to believe? Would I or could I turn my life over to God for more than a few minutes at a time? What was it that God wanted from me? I was in so much turmoil and pain, and now my connection with my newly found Heavenly Father was gone. I was heartbroken and felt growing anguish every time I tried to pray but couldn’t.

I had heard about using the name of Jesus to turn away demons, and so I spoke to Satan in the same way I speak to God, but instead of inviting him in like I do with God, I told him that he was not going to be part of my life. I had made the decision to give my life over to God. Then, with my small faith and whatever confidence I could muster as a new believer, I ordered Satan away from me. Well, I’d like to think I ordered Satan away, but it was probably more like a strong suggestion that he leave. It was the first time I had ever encountered something like this, and, although I tried, nothing changed. I still couldn't pray.

I turned to Jacob and asked him what I should do, and as always Jacob was patient and helpful. (See Jacob's text below) He suggested that I try to sneak a small prayer through. That may sound like a strange idea, but all I needed was enough time with God to plead for his help. To try this I knew I needed to block those profane words somehow and so I listened to Christian music. If this happened today, I would have many faith-strengthening and uplifting songs to choose from. At the time, the only “Christian" songs I knew were a handful of Christmas carols. Only one seemed to bring me any relief, “For unto Us a Child is Born.”

"And his name shall be called Wonderful, Counselor, The Mighty God, The Everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace...” While I listened to the song over and over again, letting the carol fill my ears and my mind, I explained my problem to God. Then, as I tried to pray, the image of an origami box came into my thoughts, a flimsy looking origami paper box and God said, “Put them in here and I will keep them.” I looked at this flimsy paper box and railed against Him, “I'm in crisis and this is all you have? A paper box?!” I’d need a reinforced steal box to lock these vile words away. I cried out in disbelief, “A paper box will not hold them!”

Once again, in my mind's eye, God’s outreached hands presented the flimsy paper box to me, “Have faith. I will hold them. I will not let them harm you.” I wanted the evil words taken from me, I wanted to forget this ever happened, and all I was being offered was a fragile paper box? I had no faith that the box could hold them, but, of course, a little paper box couldn’t hold them. It was God who held my deliverance in His hands. The box was just a way for Him to show me, new to the world and word of God, that what I needed to do was trust Him.

If you had told me that God would carry my burdens, that all I had to do was turn them over to Him, infantile in my faith, I wouldn’t have known what that meant or where to start. But, the outreached box? I knew what to do with that. I tentatively envisioned placing the string of abhorrent words into the paper box and replaced the lid. My problem was in God’s hands. I could see that represented in the beautiful paper box.

Almost immediately the vile words were gone. There is not a trace of them in my mind, even as I write this blog and I am reminded of the incident – nothing. I’m sure if I dug deep into my memory, I could reconstruct that particular string of profanities, but I feel vulnerable to the evil that kept me from my Heavenly Father. I never want to provoke it by letting those words back into my thoughts.

There are two bible verses that come to mind. First is Job 1:7, “The Lord said to Satan, 'Where have you come from?' Satan answered the Lord, 'From roaming throughout the earth, going back and forth on it.'" The second is 1 Peter 5:8, “Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” I think Satan roams the earth looking for opportunities just like this one to try and undermine our faith. What surprises me is how readily and constantly I am deceived by him. If anyone reading knows how to "be alert" in an actionable way, please share in the comments below. I still struggle with this a lot.

I’ve been with God for a little over a year and a half. Since this incident I’ve developed a much stronger faith in Him. I know without doubt that He will carry my burdens and He will do everything in His power to keep our connection unbroken. All I have to do is put my burdens into His outreached hands.

I probably have outgrown the need for the paper box, but I love it and what it represents. It is a reminder of God’s promise to sustain those who are trying to live a righteous life. I still use the image of the paper box. It is where I toss my temptations, unGodly thoughts, and worldly distractions. Then, God, through His mercy takes them from me and holds them, unwavering. “Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.” Psalm 55:22. Hallelujah for such a loving and faithful God!

Conversation with Jacob - Blocked from Prayer

Jacob:
I believe with all my heart that you have been doing great and growing closer to God. I also believe that nothing bothers Satan more than that! As you grow to be a stronger Christian, he will try harder to stop your connection and work because now you are a threat whereas before he had you in the bag and didn’t have to worry. Now God is winning you back.

When presented with that situation where you can’t pray I think you should do what you did, talk to Satan and tell him that he has lost the fight for your soul like he is going to lose the fight for your prayer. Tell him to be gone in the name of Jesus for there is power in His name that makes demons flee and the more faith you show that His name has power the more damaging it will be for evil. So tell Satan to get out of your way. Then try to pray again and if you feel you can’t, try to get a small one through. Cry out to God, say “Lord I’m struggling to connect right now, give me strength to hold on! I want to be closer."

If you need a break emotionally then stop for a while, but don’t give up trying. The devil wants you to wear out and decide that sin is easier. But sin is bondage. Don’t give up reaching out to God even when the devil tries to block your communication and prayer. And through these struggles, remember God loves you endlessly and wants more than ever to have and grow that connection with you.

Meeting Jacob

Posted on January 23, 2017March 1, 2019 by admin

The first time I saw Jacob, it was in a photograph on a freelancer website attached to a couple sentences that described him as a friendly guy who enjoys talking to people. I’m not even sure how I stumbled on his gig. He looked more like a kid in the photo and I was there looking for computer help for a website project, the website project I started working on after God began pursuing me. Jacob listed his interests and we had a couple things in common, but, seriously, I wasn’t going to pay someone to talk to me and, anyway, he was just a kid, how much could we have to talk about?

There was something that caught my eye in the photograph though, a red reflection in the window behind him and for some reason I can't explain, I became really curious about it. I have an artist's eye that gives me an interest in color, shapes and shadow, so this wasn't out of the ordinary for me, but this time my curiosity was intense. The next day, I went back to his page, copied the image to my art program and started manipulating it. I enlarged it, I color split it, I wondered about it—a lot. I began thinking that if I bought his freelancer offer to chat, at the very least, I could ask him about the reflection in the picture and I could let this preoccupation go.

I did have one other personal hurdle to overcome though. In his profile he said, "No cursing." For me that was a red flag that I was going to be talking to a Christian. In the past, that would have been enough to stop me from talking to him, but because of my recent experiences with God my stand on this wavered more than usual. Plus, I just had a question about the photograph, it's not like this was going to be an ongoing thing. Those were my thoughts as I pressed "Order Now."

Once we started talking I found out that he wasn't a kid at all. He was a college graduate and worked with computers. We talked about our educational backgrounds, our careers and and we discussed why I had bought his freelance offer, but somehow the red reflection didn't come up in that conversation. After our first text exchanges, I thought he would be a great person to have as an accountability partner for the website project I had been struggling with. He agreed to that and we made a plan for him to check in with me a couple times a week.

The next day, Jacob had just returned from church when we started texting and that opened the door to our first conversation about religion. He told me he was Christian and that he attended the Church of the Nazarene. He asked me if I was religious. I told him what I believed, which at that point was a recently updated version of what I used to believe. Yes, I believed in God, but beyond that I was sticking to my old if there is a God convictions—If there is a God, He wasn't interested in me and He offered nothing that I needed or wanted. That is how I met my wonderful God-friend Jacob and how our journey with God began.

Conversation with Jacob - Sharing our Beliefs About God

Me:
I'm not sure that the rules set up by religions are what is important. I'm also not so sure God answers prayers, but If he does, I think people have a limited supply, so don't ever ask me to pray for your dog.
Jacob:
I have no problem talking religion, but I don't want to make you uncomfortable. The one thing I will say is there are only two commandments Jesus gave when asked what was the most important commandment. He said, "To love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. And the second is similar, to love your neighbor as yourself."
Me:
I don't know how that fits into my life. I don't believe in the power of prayer or that God has a plan for us.
Jacob:
Well we are opposites there, because I believe very much in the power of prayer and that God has plans for us. [Little did we know at the time that he was speaking the literal truth. God did have plans for us.]