Excerpt: Spoken firmly, with assurance and compassion, God said, “I brought you to now.” In that moment, those few words flipped my perception of my past upside down...


It was late September, 2014. I'd known Jacob for less than a month, and here I was already asking him for extra support in the days ahead. We were approaching the anniversary of my infant son's death, always a difficult time for me. I'd been through so many difficult experiences in my life. Earlier the same year that my son passed away, my mother had died of leukemia, I had given birth to premature twins, each weighing barely a pound, and four months after that I was holding my lifeless son in my arms.

On the day of this message from God, I was texting with Jacob, describing to him what had happened on the night of my son's death. My eldest daughter, my son's twin, had grown more quickly and had been home from the hospital for a few weeks while my son remained hospitalized. That night, she woke and continued crying even after her physical needs for a diaper change and warm bottle were satisfied.

I walked her as I thought about my son. At four months old he was not improving. They had moved him from the incubator to a full-size crib hoping that being exposed to more than the inside of a plastic incubator would help, but nothing changed. He was frequently agitated, and the nurses had to restrain his arms to keep him from pulling the IV tubes from his body. As his mom, I loved him so much and wanted him to get better and come home, but as I slid down the wall and sat on the floor with my daughter, I prayed that if God was going to take him, that He take him soon. If he wasn't going to live, I didn't want him to suffer any longer. I was still sitting on the floor, my cheeks wet with tears, when the phone rang. It was the hospital calling to say our son had taken a turn for the worse.

My husband and I got ready to leave. dropped our daughter off with my sister, and drove to the hospital. My prayer was forgotten in the midst of the anxiety I was experiencing, fearing what we were about to face. As we sped to the hospital I prayed and prayed that my son would be okay.

When we arrived at the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, a doctor met us in the hall and showed us to a small room where she gave us the devastating news that our son had passed away. It was hospital policy not to give news like that over the phone, but to ask parents to come to the hospital. The truth was that he had died before they had called us. A nurse brought him to us, his tiny body wrapped in a hospital blanket. My husband and I both held him, told him we loved him and said our heartbreaking final goodbyes. Feeling that my desperate prayers for my son's life had been pointless, I questioned the existence of God. I had prayed so hard and in my pain believed that if God existed, there would have been a different outcome. I angrily disavowed any belief I had in God.

I told Jacob this story, wracked with sobs as I thought about this painful time in my life. Then I began thinking about all the sadness and pain I'd experienced, starting with my early life placed in foster care for several years while my birthmother made up her mind to put me up for adoption. I thought about difficulties I faced as a child, my mom's death, my son's death, the end of my marriage, my struggles as a single parent, and in the midst of trying to make a better life, I sustained the injury that put an end to so many of my goals and dreams. I sat on my bed sobbing when I heard God's voice.

Spoken firmly, with assurance and compassion, God said, “I brought you to now.” In that moment, those few words flipped my perception of my past upside down. With those few words, I realized that my life had not been a series of tragedies and misfortunes randomly dealt by fate. Nothing I had been through had been in vain — God had His hand on my life with every step. With those few words from God, my life suddenly made sense.

Before that moment, unable to see God leading me through these tragedies, my past seemed like a sad tale of repeated abandonment, pain, and defeat, but everything changed with those words. With the sudden awareness that God had been directing my life, bringing me to this moment, to now, the experiences from my life transformed. They became lessons in faith and compassion for others.

If I told you I haven’t had any bad days since then, it would be a lie. I have days when I slip back into feeling sadness and depression over my past and I feel great emotional pain being so isolated. However, that only lasts as long as it takes me to remember that God has brought me to now for His purpose. When I remember that everything I have been through and everything I am going through is for His glory, I feel my strength and endurance restored.

I'd like you to think about this… whatever your life has been like, He has brought you to now. He has brought you through those experiences for a reason. He has faithfully brought us to this now, with the continued promise to bring us to the next now and the next after that for as long as we live and beyond. Please try to understand this message and the peace it can bring you. God has always had a plan for you and for me. He has always walked beside you on your journey just as He has walked with me on mine. Yes, even in your most devastating times, God has been with you. The Bible says:

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

The Lord said to Jeremiah, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart..." God didn't pick out only a few people to work for His glory. He didn't say, "Okay, let's see... I'll take her [pointing], and Jeremiah, and... I don't know, just throw in a couple others in case we run out." No! Each one of us was "fearfully and wonderfully made," created for His purpose:

"For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:10

He has created us to do good works, and He walks beside us on every step of our journey. Once you accept that He has a plan for you, you will start seeing your life differently — blessed by God for His purpose, blessed, even when we face the most difficult experiences of our lives. With the utmost love, mercy and grace for you, directing you to the path of everlasting joy in His kingdom, He has faithfully brought you to now.

My first "God journal"